Alcoholism? Not yet...I'm at Uni

The negative effects of alcohol are well know and well distributed, but for some crazy reason its positive effects are not explored in our society.
One of the best places to see where this happens of course is Universities across the country, as night after night gallons of intoxicating liquor will be poured down students necks as bank managers laugh as our funds are poured away.
Obviously this would seem like another negative in this case, but of course not, the confidence that comes from alcohol 'mis-' use is second to none, guaranteeing at least 5 new friends a night,as you discover that your practically related because you both eat food.
Another obvious benefit is the way that you will be up the next day, to stop yourself being ill in the morning as the room continues to violently spin, you have to go out for fresh air, which leaves nothing better to do than to actually go to lectures with your dark glasses and industrial pack of chewing gum.
Obviously I can't speak from experience, but it plain to see; drink up and wake up in the morning embarrassed of yourself, cause you'll soon miss it when its gone.